A Shout Out

Well it's been a while so I decided hey why not give a shout out to some of the best people in my life.
That is of course my group.

You see awhile ago I was diagnosed with depression, this came after I began noticing a total lack of desire for everything and even contemplated killing my self. It seemed easier and like it would take off a burden from me and others.

Thank god for Harrison. I told him about this and he suggested I meet with Doug his therapist. I decided well it certainly couldn't hurt so I set up an appointment and met with Doug. I had no idea what to expect, but I soon learned that he just wanted to get to know me and just wanted to care about me. It was amazing and I started seeing small growth in my self right away.
He then extended an invitation to go to group that week. I said I would make it the following week.
I couldn't have made a better decision

I walked into that group nervous as hell and not knowing what was going to happen or what would be said, now a rule of group is what we say stays there so I can't give details but I was put on the hot seat the first night. I don't think I had cried like that in years, it was amazing.

Week after week I go and week after week o continue to grow as a human and as a friend. I wouldn't trade my time in group for anything, it has been the most amazing time of my life and I literally look forward to it every seek and it just recharges my batteries so I can continue to be me. I love every single one of those people more than any words can describe, they are all such amazing people and I just want the very best for all of them in the future because they certainly deserve it.

So yes this has been my random shoutout.

So to Doug, Brian, and everyone in group thank you so much. You are all amazing and I love everysingle one of you.

And kids just remember that somewhere over the rainbow... There is another rainbow

Why is hating ourselves easier?

I have struggled with my self esteem since the time I found out what self esteem meant.
I would look in the mirror and say wow look at how ugly you are, no wonder no one likes you. I would do something like sports or dance and just think "wow you suck at this and are just making a fool of yourself"
I lived and accepted this for years, I can't remember a time when it didn't reside in my brain.
Why? Why is it so much easier to look in the mirror and pick and knaw at our flaws for hours. Guess what we are flawed beings, you are no less flawed than the person next to you. Society can show you pretty and handsome all they want, but guess what those people are just as insecure about themselves as you are.
One day I just realized ya know what I have things and abilitys no one else has. No one else has my hair or my eye color or my smile. Are these things flawed? According to a magazine or TV yes of course. What the hell isnt to them? We spend all this time trying to look like what society expects or thinks is pretty or is in. Why the hell do we care so much? Have you ever honestly had what society thought was amazing and been truly happy? Or were you just happy because you had it and someone else didn't? Look I will be honest and admit when I have something cool that someone else doesnt I get this little feeling of pride and a sense I'm better. How long does that last? Well until the kid next to you has something better. Then you feel dumb.
All I ask is that we look at ourselves as a person that no one else is. Because we are, we are special, we are unique. Look in the mirror.... No one else is that person.
Now here is the catch, that person has things to offer to the world that no one else can. You have a reason and a purpose. We are here to find it, hello we have known that forever.
Now the tricky part. Finding those things. Finding the things that we have that are unique to us and special to us. You have them, everyone does.
If society says they aren't special or aren't unique then say "screw you society you don't know what you want you are just one big pile of sad self esteem who is full of shit and doesnt know what you want"
Why do you think fashion changes so much? Or how we are supposed to look? Because society can't be happy with it's self.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to look good or get that nice thing, I do it hell everyone does.
Just please don't let it dominate your life... You are amazing. You are you. No one can take that from you.
Find the things that are amazing about you. Dig deep it's there I promise.

The days of no social contact are over!!

So basically we learned today that Chandler cooped up in his house all week is a bad thing.
The morning started like this, I got up got ready and then drove to school. I was halfway there and realized I didn't have my backpack. Oh well this happens when you don't go to school for a week.
The rest of the day was filled with strange urges such as.... What if I just tackled mark and took his chip?
Or... What if I just rubbed my scruff on some person who walked by
And of course.... What if I just grabbed that girl and kissed them... I would probably get arrested
So yes this was my poor brain coping with the realm of social order again.
Let's just all hope and pray it gets better with more people time! Hoorah

Also if a vegetarian painter has a hard time painting trees... You may want to keep a close eye on him...

The ilness that wouldn't die!

Ok immunity system I am firing you. It has been 5 days and I have barely improved. What's the problem did I get the Rambo of viruses or something!
My immune system is like fire missiles, virus dodges then proceeds to blow up immune system with a rocket arrow. Then virus flexes pectorals and proceeds to scratch my throat so I cough.
So virus go to hell along with your pal arnold bacterianagger, and immune system just grow a pair and kill this thing already please! I miss my friends and almost every other life activity!
Well this has been my random rant

Also remember if it doesn't violate BYU's honor code, it's not worth doing. That is all.... Peace!... Bitches

Sickness.

Well it's funny how life works, you go from doing great to quite ill in less than a day.
Essentially I have just laid in bed with a fever of 100+ all day, and have so much due tomorrow on top of that, and yet I am blogging... oh well
So ya that is all, however I am not letting my illness get to my spirits, I have still been quite happy all day.
Also going to downtown AF while mark runs around in a hockey mask and tackles Harrison is always a great day.

Also did you know it is not illegal to have sex in a bathroom on an airplane... well now you know.

Well It's been awhile

Well it has been a very long time since I posted so I decided meh what the hell.
Well basically the life report is that I am happy, much happier than I have been in a very long time.
I have overcome something quite big in my life and have proven to myself I can do it.
Since then I have been so much happier and a little less self degrading on myself. I have decided that I know what makes me happy and I am gonna do it.
Also I have had one of the best weekends in recent memory not just because of the events but because I wasn't fighting my self the whole time trying to not sink back into depression.
Who knows how long this will last, I hope forever and I am doing everything I can to make it that way.
But hey I am happy and go ahead world throw what you want at me, I can take it now.

Also quote of the day: "Well let's hope it doesn't come to that."

Ahhhh lazy days

So today because I was recovering from my random stomach illness I proceeded to lay in bed until 5, when I finally decided to take a shower

It was marvelous.

Now I am just dreading tomorrow cause I feel like it is gonna be long and uneventful. Plus I just want it to be friday because it's gonna be morp and I am super duper excited!!

P.S the only way to cure an ice cream headache is sex... On a motorcycle

Wow... What the Strange Day

So here was my day, woke up got cami and went to school, there I attempted to find my room to take the ACT. I found it and the door was locked and J was there in his quicrky happy mood of trying to impress people, it was quite entertaining.

Then I took the ACT which was ya know... The ACT.

After that we went to JCW's which was great, but then cam the best part

The Kings Speech!!!
That movie is phenomenal, totally deserves every award it got!

Then I went to ihop and then to meet win Angela. Mostly in an effort to avoid going home as my parents meet with my therapist today and I was scares to see them. However when they called me everything seemed totally normal.

Then it was time to go to the mall, about halfway there my stomach began to churn and not be happy. Well after some time at the mall I decided to go to the bathroom, where I proceded to throw up.... Not fun at all... Like negative fun involved.

So basically Stephanie had to drive my car cause I had to focus my brain on not vomiting, however despite my illness I needed to talk to Doug. When I did he said the meeting went very well and he told my parents to let me figure out my life. Please let them listen! They haven't said anything so I hope that is a good sign.

So anyway now I am sitting on my couch wishing my stomach didn't exsist. Or that I had 3 more so that I could just switch to another stomach. I'm going to invent that!! Alternative stomachs!